A sincere, honest glimpse into the heart of a wife & caretaker, and her reliance on God as her strength.

Written by: Ms. Diane McKinzie

God gives the hardest battles to his strongest spiritual soldiers. Belief, trust, and prayer are the weapons that I believe God’s soldiers can use to fight the anxiousness, anger, depression, fear and exhaustion that becomes the darkness that covers caretakers and the person that is suffering from illness. 

Leaning into  and trusting the Lord is sometimes the hardest thing to do when life-threatening illness becomes the issue that devours the years, months, days, hours, and minutes in a person’s life; both the person that is ill, as well as the caretaker.

Until recently, I experienced anger, and was confused as to why I was experiencing this emotion.  I spent several months praying every morning for an answer. I finally received my “spiritual answer”just recently.

I heard God speak to me, letting me know my anger was perfectly normal. I was angry because my life had changed; both in my everyday activities as well as in my marriage. I could no longer go out with my friends as much, because my place now was to be at home; to be there to address whatever needs my husband may have. We, as a couple, no longer could experience a physical relationship. We could not travel anymore, which we both loved to do, and had done several times a year before he got sick. We could not even go out to a restaurant to have a nice meal, because my husband now has cancer of the esophagus, therefore cannot eat solid food. So, I was selfishly angry. 

I began to realize from my “spiritual answer” that I needed to “lean” on God to take care of my husband and be assured that my emotion was a normal stage I had to go through in order to take my next step. I am now experiencing “calmness”, and I am willing to allow God to fight this battle, and I’m learning to lean on Him. They say all these emotions that I have been experiencing and where I am now are the same stages that a person goes through when a loved one dies, so it’s normal.

When you break a foot, hip, or leg, you need to have support to lean on in order to function (like a crutch, walker, or wheelchair).  Well, my life now has a “fracture” in it, so God is my crutch, my walker, and my wheelchair to lean on and give me the ability to function, and I am so thankful He is my support.